The story of my life is continuing to unfold. I thought the final draft would have been clear. I thought it would tell of great works and great character, good deeds and respectable behavior. But the more I travel down this road of life; I realize that all the good works are going to be tainted by the truth. For good character never outshines good scandal. I live my life sometimes on impulse. And those times are the ones that will prove to be the source of my demise. A man can only hold so many skeletons in his closet before the door flies open.In my younger years I made sure to keep my closet open. No shame in my game. But now that I am suppose to be an adult and responsible, and upstanding, certain things can not be common place anymore. Whether I approve or not, I have an image to up hold.
But the fact remains that I am still young. I am adventurous and spontaneous. I like pushing the envelope and trying new things. Maybe my legacy will be of one, who despite his outlandish and nontraditional ways, still accomplished great deeds and stayed true to himself. Maybe I will serve as an inspiration for other free minded individuals to live their life as they see fit. But the problem is that my life isn’t just about me. It’s about everyone around me who are affected by my actions. The people who love me, support me, rely on me, trust me, and look up to me. I can’t bear to hurt or disappoint them. So I stay in a corner, only letting pieces of my spirit show until it gets unbearable to witness and then I retreat and become refined.
Sometimes I want to fly to a foreign place where there is no one I know nor will ever see again, just to see if I have the courage to just let loose. If I will be able to be me, and discover who the real me is, without the pressure of society choreographing my actions. And then here lies the dilemma. Who am I without the people who love me and support me? Is it possible to be me without them? Would it be genuine or a live screenplay of the many images that pass through my restless mind. Who knows; but knowing me, I will attempt to find out. If it was just my life as I know it, I would risk it, but the lives of the ones I love are keeping me here. Still dreaming about being there, and being him. If only for a short time, if only for a guarantee of no consequences.
If only I could live in my dream, and wake up to be satisfied. But my dreams leave me more parched than before. My lust for a responsibility free life grows and I want to dream more so that I can reach to the point that I cant denying my desires. When my head is so consumed that the consequences become unreadable small print between the fabrics of charred paper. And only until all is said and done am I going to lay back and say “what the f*&% did I just do?” Realize how stupid it was, regret it, but still feel free that at least I found the courage to experience it. God, I love life, I just wish I would spend some time living it.
But the fact remains that I am still young. I am adventurous and spontaneous. I like pushing the envelope and trying new things. Maybe my legacy will be of one, who despite his outlandish and nontraditional ways, still accomplished great deeds and stayed true to himself. Maybe I will serve as an inspiration for other free minded individuals to live their life as they see fit. But the problem is that my life isn’t just about me. It’s about everyone around me who are affected by my actions. The people who love me, support me, rely on me, trust me, and look up to me. I can’t bear to hurt or disappoint them. So I stay in a corner, only letting pieces of my spirit show until it gets unbearable to witness and then I retreat and become refined.
Sometimes I want to fly to a foreign place where there is no one I know nor will ever see again, just to see if I have the courage to just let loose. If I will be able to be me, and discover who the real me is, without the pressure of society choreographing my actions. And then here lies the dilemma. Who am I without the people who love me and support me? Is it possible to be me without them? Would it be genuine or a live screenplay of the many images that pass through my restless mind. Who knows; but knowing me, I will attempt to find out. If it was just my life as I know it, I would risk it, but the lives of the ones I love are keeping me here. Still dreaming about being there, and being him. If only for a short time, if only for a guarantee of no consequences.
If only I could live in my dream, and wake up to be satisfied. But my dreams leave me more parched than before. My lust for a responsibility free life grows and I want to dream more so that I can reach to the point that I cant denying my desires. When my head is so consumed that the consequences become unreadable small print between the fabrics of charred paper. And only until all is said and done am I going to lay back and say “what the f*&% did I just do?” Realize how stupid it was, regret it, but still feel free that at least I found the courage to experience it. God, I love life, I just wish I would spend some time living it.
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